Thursday, February 13, 2014

Doing Time....

The hardest thing about doing time and the hardest thing about any relationship are the same thing : facing the situation honestly. Sounds easy enough, but how many situations in life do we face honestly- admitting our weakness and strengths while evaluating the fluctuating levels of passion and connection with the subject.....? From business relationships to family relationships to community obligations to spiritual commitments we've approached one way or the other all our lives, most of us approach most of life with a half a heart and a sliver of life with honest passion and pure intent. That's why we're becoming the "Plastic Era"- we can throw away our used up passions and desires, ordering up a new set from the latest line of " what's hot and what's not". We have the blessing of endless selections and that makes it almost irresistible not to dip in to try some of the constant change. A couple of generations ago( baby boomers) this was not the case. People married for love and they went to work in the same career through retirement. They owned the same home for 50 years and enjoyed friendships for a lifetime. They were honest with themselves and their limitations.

My struggle has always been viewing the beauty and potential in someone without a clear, realistic view of how my life might be once this prison sentence is over. My struggle is not special though, everyone in prison shares this.Very few admit, The truth is that our lives are completely bereft of loving attentions from a women. With the slightest rain shower of this loving attention comes a waterfall of passion, pouring out from inside me like a dam breaking. Why not? The man who lives in darkness for many years should be enraptured by a sunrise. But, as the natural procession of life takes places, the sunrise becomes less and less profound and amazing. Goals, new hopes and imaginative aspirations replace it in the life that cannot help but look ahead. Sunshine is all around him everyday and he can't really remember what it felt like to wonder in the darkness.

I want to learn how to capture that initial state of new love and amazement and potential..... capture it put it in my heart to stay- without any clauses that speak about sunshiny days and the abundance of love opportunities ahead. There are many men in here who meet women with great hearts, good looks and even the means to help them out a little with small comforts money can buy. They fall in love within a month or two before leveling out into this "tramhauft" sort of limbo-commitment where they've convinced one another that these feelings won't change once the guy gets out and has not one, but one hundred women offering their coquettish smiles and flirty comments everyday. They say that love " conquers all", and this very well may be the case. I still worry that my poor track record with maintaining a deep level relationship with a women from in here will withhold her from the joy's of loving experiences out there when I may not sustain it upon my release. And I am honest enough to admit that fear.

Only the fool could say that he doesn't see this more than possible. And a greedy, careless fool he is that would continue to fan the flames of a love affair from in here without having ever shared an orgasm or a sunrise with that chic.

My girl is a realist. She has heard me out, understands my concerns and is still willing to kick it with me knowing that we may always remain close friends without the level of intimacy we felt growing early on. She doesn't hate me for not seeing life and love through her lens only. And she's not so strung out on the idea of control that she doesn't see the men around her. She's willing to wait until I get out to see how our relationship develops, rather than drawing lines in the sand and claiming that personal contact and private moments shared with one another mean less than they really do.

Some chicks out there- and most men in here- harbor the fantasy that what the feel right now is all they will ever feel, and who they are right now is the best and clearest they will ever see themselves. When feelings begin to change and people lose sight of the dreams they once dreamed, it seems almost second nature to ignore the fact that we change together and apart. The people we love sometimes cannot keep up with our change and, very often, we don't see our own changes as anything but good. That's what objectivity in the relationship is all about- we have the power through love and insight to see if our commitment to one another is primarily selfish and possessive or if it is a loved based in the premise of wanting the best experience out of life- learning, teaching, giving and receiving.

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