Re-Finding God

For most of my federal prison sentence I pursued the high reputation of a "solid convict". I said the right things, did the right things, liked the right people, and hated the right people. I showed disdain at all appearance of physical weakness and if thought didn't reflect the popular notion held by the circles that "make it and shake it" in here, then I didn't promote it. I was a bad ass, work out fanatic, intellectual guy who the thug could relate to and respect......

Until a few years ago when I picked up the need in my mind for some principled approach to living. Then I submerged myself in that way of thinking and pursued it whole-heartedly. I separated myself from all the drugs and most of the violence. I linked myself with those who are in full pursuit of changing their thinking for the better of their lives on the street, and became a quick leader in that circle. I love the thought of creating, and what better to create than a new, effective and community-minded self? But I still recognized all the flaws in myself- still pretty arrogant, still a skeptic, still able and willing to engage in worthless conversations about subjects that need not be discussed, still struggle viewing others as equal or better than me, still struggle with compassion, and have very little idea of this empathy that I speak so highly of in the book and program I devised. 

     Over the last five or six weeks, I began taking a Bible Correspondence College course through Rhema Bible College with the intent of learning more about a Christianity I walked away from at the beginning of this sentence. I figured that it could assist in opening some public speaking doors when I am released. It has had the effect of renewing my Spirit with God. It has led me to accept new friends for new reasons. And it is leading me to accept the fact that I need to submit to Him in everything and accept the humiliation (in here) that goes with that. I went on a few days fasting in order to gather the strength and understanding necessary to switch tables in the dining hall (an important status position in here), and the primary problem and fear lay in the fact that many sex offenders migrate to the Christian table in FCI's because they cannot sit with the others. Snitches abound. So the transition to this table is beating me up in ways. I have never been so humiliated, and at the same time, I have never felt the need to endure so strongly. It's all in my mind, for the most part, because I know that people are just wondering what the heck has come over me, but all I have stood for concerning some of these guys I sit with today is being compromised in my ego.

     This test is just the beginning. I know the power of God will settle things in my heart and mind and create important changes in the lives of those who watch what I am doing, but that doesn't mean that I am an accomplished man at the end of this test. I have much more pain and humiliation and giants tests ahead before I will be forged into the man God can use out there.

Cobo

My friend and I had a conversation this morning while waiting for breakfast to be called. Cobo enjoys telling me stories about his family back in St. Croix, and all the stories are filled with the textures and flavors of a youth he truly enjoyed and misses in many ways.

The love and admiration for his friends and family -lessons they imparted to him-speak of a lifestyle that honored family and work, discipline and commitment above all else. Where his adult life deviated from the Olympic boxing career of his youth is irrelevant to this- although even through the deviation of his life into moving drugs, his commitment to friends and discipline adhering to personal values went unchanged. What interested me so much through our conversation were the starkly contrasting views we shared towards those we loved as children, yet we find ourselves in the same place today- and in important ways changed, because we are friends.

I was very self-centered. I lacked self confidence. I was terribly afraid of what others thought about me. And so I became violent-in terms of thoughts and the physical defensiveness through which I dealt with the world.

Beau Hansen

Schooled in Prison

Here in FCI Florence-as with many Federal institutes-we have a pretty wide selection of A.C.E. classes ( Adult Continuing Education Classes) that are taught by inmates in whatever discipline or skill or expertise they might be approved by the education department to teach. There's much to be said about the teachers of these courses- for the most part they are genuine and eager to lead. And many of the inmates who enroll in these 8 week courses go into it with the best intentions toward self improvement. However, either due to the instructor's lack of energy/ expertise or tot he student's lack of commitment, the majority of A.C.E. course certificates are given to students who learned little, participated less, and ended up believing that the certificate itself is the only reason for enrolling. (These certificates amount to evidence of programming and each course brings a certain amount of money to the institution's budget, so inmates are "rewarded" for accumulating certificates.)

I've personally taught and attended many of these courses over the years. Most of the certificates I gained from them were purchased for a book of stamps. And I was less the man for it, no doubt. The few courses I taught were with excitement and I was proud of the students that participated and made the experience better for us both- so it never fails to shame me hen I think of the opportunities I wasted by taking the easy route to programming.

 The latest class I teach-or lead, rather- is based on the program at the end of my most recent book, " It's Never Just One Thing" . I'm growing from it. And the ten guys in the course are all growing from it as well. We all have the chance to speak on issues of race, sex, violence, drugs, addiction, and communication/ relationship issues as they revolve around the presence and absence of various principles. These are men who have grown weary of the masks and ego of prison culture, and now embrace the opportunity to explore some reality with men of the same mind. As I pointed out last week, we are part of a very small minority of people who want to- and have the power to-effect change in lives of people on the verge and in the depths of prison. approximately 40 million American's are directly affected by the 2.5 million behind bars. Another unknowable percentage of Americans will put their toes into the hot water of criminal behaviour- how many millions do they represent? 

By turning the corner in our characters and making the decision to become worthy citizens, we also corner the market on empirical wisdom that can strengthen our communities through examples and mentoring. If we have any moments of doubt to where we might " belong" in a community sense, this is a very obvious and empowering answer. And I doubt that anyone would deny us the opportunity to lead struggling men and women up from the depths into the light of their own potential.

Beau Hansen

To Be Set Free..

After a conversation with a friend last night I got to thinking about the difference in what we, as prisoners, feel essential to our lives and that felt by those power to make important things a reality to us. Lawmakers have satisfied the voters wishes (and their own personal wealth issues) by ensuring that when people commit crimes, they get fat sentences and long tails of supervised release. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with this- what loving, caring, sensitive community member wants some violent offender, or addict, or sexual predator, or thief living among them? The problem lies in the care and rehabilitation these offenders are supposed to be receiving while serving their sentences before release- because release should be a reality in most cases. And those releases should be expected to be merit-based, should they not? What tax-paying member of society should expect that criminals are just locked up punitively for years only to get worse and worse before a release date that will come whether that offender is ready to go or not?

     The truth is that offenders are not beholden to change, and they will not usually do this on their own- unless a major impetus is present. There are exceptions. But they are few. The truth is that prison is easy to adjust to. Thicken the skin a little and camouflage all the emotions and weaknesses behind a growing reality that says you'll fight rather than be put down and, suddenly, you are ready for a long sentence until that sentence ends- and you'll enjoy some good times without the constant reminder of what was lost. This is the product that usually gets released.

     Congress doesn't want to let us go. Understandably. But the money situation is such that, to not let us go means a loss of money. Now they want to let the least offensive go- but that doesn't change the essential problem. That problem lies as much with the offenders as with the beautiful families who just want to see their offender loved ones released. My mom, my friends, and this beautiful chick who helps with this blog want me to be released because they deeply feel that so many years was unfair- especially for drugs, while violent sexual offenders often get less time. The fact is that there is no difference in the overall effect of crime on society- crime is crime and it breeds a lack of trust within the community- whether there are many victims (withdrug dealing and fraud) or a single victim (with violence and sexual crimes). What makes the difference is that people change while they are in- and if and when they do make these essential changes, they need to be judged for this as well and released to their communities.

The Knockout Game

There is a new game sweeping the nation. It is a Youtube sensation. Here are the rules: You must find a white person who is unsuspecting of any kind of aggression. You must be a minority yourself. And you must try you're best to inflict as much violence as possible in one hit- knocking them out. Consequences to the violation of these rules: If you attack someone who isn't white, the police will probably come after you for gang violence. If you participate in this game and are not a minority( particularly black) then you will be prosecuted under the federal hate crime statutes. (If you are white you will be prosecuted under these laws without a doubt) and receive a 10 year minimum sentence. If you don't try to knock out the unsuspecting person, they may get up and beat youre ass, or shoot you. Have fun with the knockout game, and don't forget to film your exploits so you can post them online. This is what is happening out there right now. Whenever violent black attack white people, the media makes up silly little monikers for them to advertise it with. Remember the Thrill Kill? Stand up for what is right and start calling sh*t what it really is, Why hasn't one news station declared this Knockout Game a racially motivated hate crime? This country has allowed the media to make a mockery of the law, and the law enables that.

Beau/ Shane( Beau's cell mate helped with this)

Changing

I appreciate the fact that many of you out there sympathize with men and women behind bars, doing long stretches time, etc. But my greatest hope in establishing something of a voice from in here is not to wave this banner of justification or call to arms those who see the goodness in those convicted.....though those things do exist, I want it to be clear that most of the men and women behind bars have earned it.

Perhaps not lifetimes, and perhaps not even years, but they have earned it. And most of them continue to prove they deserve nothing better- I speak from experience- because they use this time for gang activity, drug usage, pinochle and dominoes and BET and CMT and TeenMom. The exception to this rule will eventually get out and make big changes in their communities- and for these men and women I would ask that all of you think about the necessary changes that might be enacted within the American prison complex.

The number of men and women who make the decision to change can be vastly increased with a little more available impetus- and an elevated penalty for those who choose not to make the changes society expects. You have the power to create a system that works. And this does affect you- and your families

Patiently Waiting.....

I'd been in USP Beaumont, TX for a few weeks when we were locked down for a multiple group incident( disruption involving various gangs or races). We might have been locked down for a couple weeks, tops, but the tier outside our cells was trashed and dirty from all the fishing lines passing and the officers smoking in the building, flicking their ashes on the floor during counts. The day before we were let up, the unit orderlies were allowed to come out for an hour to clean, and when we were released the next day, piles of trash stood in the corners and mop buckets, brimming with black water, waited by the mop closet doors.

While most of the inmates were shuckin' and jivin', showering or talking on the phone, one inmate- an old black guy who'd spent most of his life on prison basketball courts-was cleaning his cell. When he came to one of the mop buckets and realized that the mop closets were still locked, he went the officer's station where a black female officer was talking on the phone. After waiting patiently for five or ten minutes, her conversation ended and he asked her to come open the closet so everyone could get on with the process of cleaning their cells. She said that she'd get to it. So he went back to cleaning the cell and when he'd run out of things to do-left only with the mopping- he went back to the officer's station where she was, once again, on the phone. Again he waited. When she hung up he repeated his request and was given the same response. So he went and took a shower. With his shower out of the way, he pushed the mop bucket up to the office door to show the guard that the water was, indeed, filthy and needed to be changed if anyone were to clean their cells. But she was busy again, this time eating her lunch.

"Come back in a minute," she said. " Can't you see that I'm eating?"

"My Bad," he answered, stepping away from the desk. He pulled the soiled mop out of the water and turned it in the wringer with a couple good pumps. Then, setting both the mop and wringer unit on the floor, he picked up the bucket and dumped it's dirty black contents over the women's head before slamming the plastic container down on her subway sandwich.

Strips of lettuce and salami, trickling black, ashy water, hung from her chin and shirt lapel. The shocked look on her face-mixed with absolute terror that this was not the end of his attack- will stay with me forever. Not so much for the humor, but because it was a peek into the general perception many in society have of us : animals with no imagination or hope for returning to the grace of thoughtful humanity. In this instance at least, the assault ended with a lost meal and a ruined beehive hairdo. I distinctly remember that, for the longest time afterward, we didn't have a lot of trouble getting cleaning supplies.

Government Shutdown

For the last 16 days since the government shutdown became a reality, it's been an amazing tribute to the difference in occupations listening to federal prison guards freaking out about pay cuts, responsibilities of the government, and timelines for this suspension to wrap up. Three months ago or more, when the original sequester was threatened, prison officials and guards alike came to work with death in their eyes and fire under their feet.

There has been a lot of distress among the guards, though, and they certainly do take it out on the inmate. Is this justified? Probably, to a certain extent. Most of the public would shed no tears over inmates being disrespected, but reality is more than entertaining considering that these officers make over 50K per year to do nothing but walk around a unit and sit in front of their computer....occasionally respond to a fight..eat..spit chewing tobacco or smoke a cigarette in front of others for whom that is illegal, and talk on the phone about guns and ammo, nightclubs or "who's humping whom?" They are the most over paid group of human beings on this planet, with very little expertise or training in any field beyond the aforementioned activities. Yet the very inmates who impulsiveness and criminal misbehaviour created their jobs are the first target for the ire.

Mark Twain said long ago, " If you would see the scum of society gathered in one place, visit the front gates of a prison at shift change." I think these words are indicative of the close relation- in spirit and intellect-between the general population of inmates and the staff that elect to spend 8-16 hours each day lording over them.

Take a quick look at many of the similarities that find inmates and staff gathered together under a common roof:

• They all want as much as possible for as little effort possible.
• Achievements are a fleeting and, often a illusory concept. When achievement is realized, the trends and standards and popular onions of their everyday life are affected only minimally." Miracles and Luck" are more creative factors than consistent effort.
• The rich are, for the most part, "greedy and self serving and uninterested in the happenings of life at lower levels of income".
• Life can be summed by "It's a dog eat dog world", Life's a bitch, and then you die, the boy with the most toys win.

These are, for the most part, problem oriented rather than solution-oriented thinkers, and the natural response is reactivity over proactivity. Did you know that the average salary of a federal prison guard begins at almost 40K, with a full scale of benefits, 10 million days paid vacation, every freaking holiday offered by democratic countries. It is the least demanding and most spoiled career available in America, yet it remains this country's best kept secret-otherwise Americans would be doing something about it. The days surrounding this shutdown by the federal government are filled with more than the small concerns of small minds in and around prison, there are amazing points from men and women who do view society as a place to redeem themselves. The majority of inmate comments and opinions, however, do definitely reflect the kinds of thoughts and opinions the public expects from criminals. Calls for entitlements to the poor and a bunch of paid-for free shit compose most complaints heard in defense of "society" against the oppressive sides to government and corporate America. While older Americans and genuinely disabled people are struggling to find a fair and honest way to live out there, a bunch of jerks in here are planning to abuse a soft federal system that allows their stay behind bars to qualify them as disabled and collect $1,200 per month. They dream up insurance scams that will ultimately raise premiums for honest citizens. They cry about the unfairness of a long sentence they are unwilling to use for self-improvement, and they cheer about the dishonest abuse witnessed with the welfare card shopping spree on 10/15.

When we talk about government shutdown and sequestering it's important to point out that the Federal manufacturing corporation UNICOR is run with a budget separate from the budget that keeps the prison afloat. Although it serves the federal government and creates furniture/ products strictly for government contract and purchase, UNICOR is a private entity. Those employed by unicorn are protected beneath a corporation umbrella and are fairly unaffected by the shutdown. So there is a little animosity between the unicorn staff/guards that are being paid and the compound administration/guards that are officially "furloughed". Recently, the Colorado news and a Spanish television station aired a piece with a Florence prison guard complaining that the inmates were paid anywhere from $5-500 per month(depending on the job) while the guards were paid nothing. Imagine that some scumbag inmate living high off the hog while the guard goes penniless. The truth of the matter is that any inmate making more than $100 per month works in the unicorn factory up to 160 hours per month( making couches at $250 that the government buys for $2,500). The rest of us earn between 12 to 40 cents per hour which comes out of the inmates trust fund, an interest bearing account created from the money inmates spend on commissary. In other words, unless an inmate works for the private corporation entity of Unicor, he or she pays themselves.
From the perspective of a federal prisoner doing enough time to make a Cialis commercial look like porn, many of the inconveniences suffered by federal employees have been created by their own greed and laziness. It isn't criminal what the federal employees do-not by any means-but it certainly isn't the community-minded participation that the government would have us believe.


Everyone has the opportunity to make a difference-no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. The challenge is making the best difference with the tools we're given, and continuing to apply those tools when progress isn't glaring and obvious.

Beau Hansen

The Future of Prison in America....

What is the big deal about prisoners in America? Maybe the fact that with over 2 million men and women behind bars, there are around 50 million others in this country directly affected by those locked up. That's a lot of guard's, administrator's, moms, dads, wives, sons and friends. I have an idea, Lets hear some of what these criminals and ex-criminals have to say about their stay in club fed( These are the only con's I can speak to and speak for, since I have been a federal inmate for the past 14 years now.) Let the foolios speak for themselves ; and let those who have made a genuine effort to rehabilitate themselves speak for themselves. It's about time I said something worth listening to, after so many years of nonsense.

Sometime in the near future our prisons will be so overcrowded that the government will have to choose between two options : extermination or letting some people go. With the present states of the system and the general inmate being released, I am for extermination-even if that means that I have to jump out there first. There is the chance that if society and some free- thinking individuals with a little compassion will hear what is missing from inside these walls, rehabilitation and a true spirit of communication could be had.

Thank you for opening a page and opening an ear- I promise to be entertaining and informative. I invite all the criticism and advice.

Beau Hansen