Re-Finding God

For most of my federal prison sentence I pursued the high reputation of a "solid convict". I said the right things, did the right things, liked the right people, and hated the right people. I showed disdain at all appearance of physical weakness and if thought didn't reflect the popular notion held by the circles that "make it and shake it" in here, then I didn't promote it. I was a bad ass, work out fanatic, intellectual guy who the thug could relate to and respect......

Until a few years ago when I picked up the need in my mind for some principled approach to living. Then I submerged myself in that way of thinking and pursued it whole-heartedly. I separated myself from all the drugs and most of the violence. I linked myself with those who are in full pursuit of changing their thinking for the better of their lives on the street, and became a quick leader in that circle. I love the thought of creating, and what better to create than a new, effective and community-minded self? But I still recognized all the flaws in myself- still pretty arrogant, still a skeptic, still able and willing to engage in worthless conversations about subjects that need not be discussed, still struggle viewing others as equal or better than me, still struggle with compassion, and have very little idea of this empathy that I speak so highly of in the book and program I devised. 

     Over the last five or six weeks, I began taking a Bible Correspondence College course through Rhema Bible College with the intent of learning more about a Christianity I walked away from at the beginning of this sentence. I figured that it could assist in opening some public speaking doors when I am released. It has had the effect of renewing my Spirit with God. It has led me to accept new friends for new reasons. And it is leading me to accept the fact that I need to submit to Him in everything and accept the humiliation (in here) that goes with that. I went on a few days fasting in order to gather the strength and understanding necessary to switch tables in the dining hall (an important status position in here), and the primary problem and fear lay in the fact that many sex offenders migrate to the Christian table in FCI's because they cannot sit with the others. Snitches abound. So the transition to this table is beating me up in ways. I have never been so humiliated, and at the same time, I have never felt the need to endure so strongly. It's all in my mind, for the most part, because I know that people are just wondering what the heck has come over me, but all I have stood for concerning some of these guys I sit with today is being compromised in my ego.

     This test is just the beginning. I know the power of God will settle things in my heart and mind and create important changes in the lives of those who watch what I am doing, but that doesn't mean that I am an accomplished man at the end of this test. I have much more pain and humiliation and giants tests ahead before I will be forged into the man God can use out there.

Cobo

My friend and I had a conversation this morning while waiting for breakfast to be called. Cobo enjoys telling me stories about his family back in St. Croix, and all the stories are filled with the textures and flavors of a youth he truly enjoyed and misses in many ways.

The love and admiration for his friends and family -lessons they imparted to him-speak of a lifestyle that honored family and work, discipline and commitment above all else. Where his adult life deviated from the Olympic boxing career of his youth is irrelevant to this- although even through the deviation of his life into moving drugs, his commitment to friends and discipline adhering to personal values went unchanged. What interested me so much through our conversation were the starkly contrasting views we shared towards those we loved as children, yet we find ourselves in the same place today- and in important ways changed, because we are friends.

I was very self-centered. I lacked self confidence. I was terribly afraid of what others thought about me. And so I became violent-in terms of thoughts and the physical defensiveness through which I dealt with the world.

Beau Hansen

Schooled in Prison

Here in FCI Florence-as with many Federal institutes-we have a pretty wide selection of A.C.E. classes ( Adult Continuing Education Classes) that are taught by inmates in whatever discipline or skill or expertise they might be approved by the education department to teach. There's much to be said about the teachers of these courses- for the most part they are genuine and eager to lead. And many of the inmates who enroll in these 8 week courses go into it with the best intentions toward self improvement. However, either due to the instructor's lack of energy/ expertise or tot he student's lack of commitment, the majority of A.C.E. course certificates are given to students who learned little, participated less, and ended up believing that the certificate itself is the only reason for enrolling. (These certificates amount to evidence of programming and each course brings a certain amount of money to the institution's budget, so inmates are "rewarded" for accumulating certificates.)

I've personally taught and attended many of these courses over the years. Most of the certificates I gained from them were purchased for a book of stamps. And I was less the man for it, no doubt. The few courses I taught were with excitement and I was proud of the students that participated and made the experience better for us both- so it never fails to shame me hen I think of the opportunities I wasted by taking the easy route to programming.

 The latest class I teach-or lead, rather- is based on the program at the end of my most recent book, " It's Never Just One Thing" . I'm growing from it. And the ten guys in the course are all growing from it as well. We all have the chance to speak on issues of race, sex, violence, drugs, addiction, and communication/ relationship issues as they revolve around the presence and absence of various principles. These are men who have grown weary of the masks and ego of prison culture, and now embrace the opportunity to explore some reality with men of the same mind. As I pointed out last week, we are part of a very small minority of people who want to- and have the power to-effect change in lives of people on the verge and in the depths of prison. approximately 40 million American's are directly affected by the 2.5 million behind bars. Another unknowable percentage of Americans will put their toes into the hot water of criminal behaviour- how many millions do they represent? 

By turning the corner in our characters and making the decision to become worthy citizens, we also corner the market on empirical wisdom that can strengthen our communities through examples and mentoring. If we have any moments of doubt to where we might " belong" in a community sense, this is a very obvious and empowering answer. And I doubt that anyone would deny us the opportunity to lead struggling men and women up from the depths into the light of their own potential.

Beau Hansen

The Knockout Game

There is a new game sweeping the nation. It is a Youtube sensation. Here are the rules: You must find a white person who is unsuspecting of any kind of aggression. You must be a minority yourself. And you must try you're best to inflict as much violence as possible in one hit- knocking them out. Consequences to the violation of these rules: If you attack someone who isn't white, the police will probably come after you for gang violence. If you participate in this game and are not a minority( particularly black) then you will be prosecuted under the federal hate crime statutes. (If you are white you will be prosecuted under these laws without a doubt) and receive a 10 year minimum sentence. If you don't try to knock out the unsuspecting person, they may get up and beat youre ass, or shoot you. Have fun with the knockout game, and don't forget to film your exploits so you can post them online. This is what is happening out there right now. Whenever violent black attack white people, the media makes up silly little monikers for them to advertise it with. Remember the Thrill Kill? Stand up for what is right and start calling sh*t what it really is, Why hasn't one news station declared this Knockout Game a racially motivated hate crime? This country has allowed the media to make a mockery of the law, and the law enables that.

Beau/ Shane( Beau's cell mate helped with this)

The Relativity of Happiness

So many people wonder how an inmate can experience happiness and joy and excitiment in a place like prison. It's all a matter of relativity. If you lock yourself in your closet for long enough, the mere thought of shadows rather than absolute darkness becomes something to look forward to, right?

After so many years in prison and experiencing the ups and downs resulting from my own behavior and the different characters sentenced or working in here, I have had varied opinions on why I was happy when I was- or why I could be so miserable. But the truth has little to do with prison or place. We're just adaptable, you know? All of us- you included. I have seen some real pieces of shit, tortured souls that committed fucked up crimes, put on a genuine smile and experience their personal moment of freedom through happiness- even though they were in the most heinous and threatening atmosphere available to them. I've seen angry, mean, hard-ass dudes with multiple murders and gigantic chips on their shoulders burst out in heartfelt laughter at something that I couldn't quite connect with- and they seemed to me almost lovable creatures in that moment. And I've also seen (and been) that guy who smiles and laughs at everything- regardless how deeply it affected us. Who's sincere? Is that happiness enough to make this time bearable??

I think it eventually comes down to the chance or process that creates within us an understanding that we really are the captain of our own souls; that we do make for ourselves the limitless well of happiness or the superficial sheen of satisfication. And even in here we can feel a deep happiness and contentment that promises we are not what we once were- we are not necessarily condemned to always carry the stigma of pain and confusion and addiction and self-centeredness. That it's all a matter of doing the right thing- even when no one is looking....

But,then again, that's the recipe for true happiness out there, too, right?

Beau Hansen